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ABOUT ME: SABIAN
My “WTF Was That?" is now "Oh YES MORE!": My Unconventional, Sometimes Disastrous, Often Entertaining Journey to Becoming Your Sexpert!
Forget the scandalous whispers and the porn-fueled fantasies. My upbringing in South Africa was like my ouma's potjie – a surprising and rich mix of seemingly random ingredients (a wild blend of European openness and Afrikaans reserve) that cooked up something... uniquely me.
Nakedness was normal, and sexual curiosity was just… life! I've always been one to follow my own compass, my own curiosities, no matter what the cool kids were doing! The things my friends were raising eyebrows at? That was just a casual Tuesday in my world. Their "crazy" was my standard. It was a far cry from the "hande bo die kombers" (hands above the blanket) mentality I encountered outside our home.
Europe was where I truly came into my own, my understanding of the world and
LONDON, 2019
myself expanded exponentially... Let's just say I dove headfirst into the messy, exhilarating, and sometimes WTF world of human desire, from vanilla (and trust me, even vanilla done right can be mind-blowing) to the kinkiest of flavors. I’ve seen things, experienced more, and discovered that pleasure, a primal urge, is meant to be devoured without hesitation. The real sin? Letting it go to waste!
But here’s the uncensored truth: I've also navigated the shadows. The power
plays - and yes, I have been guilty of trying to use sex to control or manipulate in the past – that wasn't my proudest self; now I know it is cruel. I have felt the weight of self-shame and disappointment, the sting of projected judgment from others, the feeling of being utterly lost in the bedroom (back when I was a light's lights-off kind of girl). One bad experience can taint the rest, and leave a lasting bruise, never mind repeated behavioural patterns and their scars. So, when you tell me it's complicated? Honey, I understand you. I may even be you.
For a while, I was performing – both in and out of the sheets. From trying to nail the 'perfect' orgasm to actually exploring the world of adult performance (for me, sex was such a natural extension of my self-expression), I learned the difference between performance and genuine connection. But aren't we all performing, to some extent? Fake it 'til you make it, right? (And be honest, how many orgasms have you really faked?). Let me tell you, the real magic happens when you fire the pervy, inappropriate producer – that's when you can really do the mic drop and unleash the kind of scream your neighbours think is a horror movie... *news flash*: that's your actual orgasm sound (and yeah, your orgasm-face isn't pretty, babe, but damn is it real).
I have felt the heartbreak of a sexless marriage, the way it erodes your sense of self-worth and attractiveness, leaving you constantly grasping for validation. This can stem from a variety of factors, from mismatched libidos to unaddressed emotional disconnects. I’ve also experienced the consequences and frustration of erectile dysfunction and performance anxiety– a frustration that cuts both ways, often emasculating the masculine energy and disrupting the natural flow of the feminine.
It all screams the same thing: We. Need. To. Talk. Honestly. Acknowledging that, yes, all those previous sexual experiences, many including traumas – that's the ugly reality, it's your unsexy truth. BUT, that unsexy truth doesn't have to be your forever story. And look… in the spirit of honesty, even when we finally do talk, it doesn't magically fix everything... things can still go wrong, and that connection can feel… irreparable… OR, you may even realise it wasn't really there to begin with.
And. That. Is. Ok.
Cue MY entry: your kick-ass, battle-hardened warrior – I have already navigated the treacherous sex war seas (and gosh have I swallowed a lot of... salty water), endured countless awkward encounters (yes, sometimes with strangers) and, uhm… questionable techniques (none, bar one, which have resulted in life altering injuries). Yes! The sacrifices I've made for greater humanity! All to bestow upon you the ultimate conquest: a better sex life (so basically life itself... same thing people).
So, here’s my superpower, the one my AuDHD brain gifted me (see cliff note for explanation). This unique, quirky, often incredibly hilarious, neurodivergent wiring gives me a particular sensitivity to the unspoken – those subtle shifts in energy, the almost invisible cues around pleasure, discomfort. For instance, I might notice a fleeting micro-expression around the eyes that suggests a disconnect between what's being said and what's truly felt, or a barely perceptible change in breathing rhythm that indicates suppressed excitement or anxiety. And… even detect when you’re starting to mentally check out... It’s like having special spidey senses. My genetic lottery allows me to understand your urge to push boundaries in the name of chasing a dopamine surge, and… I know firsthand just how that incomparable high is often followed by a painful crash... only to restart the cycle. Isn’t being human just FUN!
Bottom line? My journey has been raw, real, and has stripped away all the BS. Sometimes painful, sometimes so exquisitely beautiful that it feels like a moment whispered directly by THE CREATOR!
So, what do we truly crave? Here is a freebie: it is NOT just an orgasm…
To really, really be seen! The ugly, the vulnerable, the crazy, our TRUE SELVES!
To be touched as if every touch is the rediscovery of sensation for the first time, realising you’re a living being! (Think about how often we go through the motions without truly feelin!).
To finally be connected in a way where nothing else exists, not even time, in that exact moment!
Ok, so I think it is clear that I have done the grunt work here… BUT… hellooooooooo: You are ultimately responsible for our own sexual pleasure… Let's drop the excuses. Think about it: how can you ASK (and yes, let’s just start claiming it) for what you want if YOU don't even know what that is? Often, this lack of self-awareness stems from a lifetime of focusing on others' desires rather than our own.
So be bold, have courage. Step up. If that's for YOU, your partner, your kids or marriage. I'd like to think you're stepping up for yourself here, but honestly, as long as you're showing up, that's all that matters – whoever "you" might be today.
With my ninja warrior skills and guidance, we'll cut the BS, kung fu the frustration, say "Bye, boy, bye" to disappointment, and finally moan the battle cry of the victorious conqueror: FUCK YES!
Ready to stop performing? It is fricken exhausting! I want you to hear you go ‘Whoohoooo, Succsexxx bitchesssss!’, but exactly like the ‘Success Kid Meme’ does it! Slide into my DMs... metaphorically speaking, of course. Let's make your bedroom less "blah" and more "bow chicka wow wow"!
Cliff Note: For those not in the know, AuDHD is the experience of having both Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).
